What Should You Do If One of Your Partners Wants More Sex?

In the early phases of an intimate relationship, couples typically discover that their sexual urge is incredibly strong—they’re constantly kissing, touching, and having sex. Then, to the dismay of one or both couples, they discover that it has faded over time. Knowing that sexual desire ebbs and flows in an intimate relationship is natural can go a long way toward helping couples change their attitude. When a partnership is confronted with this shift, both partners should question themselves:

To what extent do we believe there is anything wrong with me, you, or us rather than accepting that fluctuations in sexual desire are natural and expected?

A new client of mine revealed that she had recently split up with her partner when discussing her relationship history. She stated, 

In the beginning, our sex life was great, but after a while, we stopped having it as frequently. I just believe that when the sex goes bad, the relationship goes bad, so that was a big part of our breakup.

She took the fact of decreasing sexual frequency and attached to it a fear-based story: This must mean we are not right for each other.

Her tale makes perfect sense in a culture that believes that if love needs work, you’re doing it incorrectly. I wonder what would have happened if someone had told her that sexual desire alters with familiarity and commitment, and that partners must work together to build desire over time.

Sexual desire issues are frequently want discrepancy issues—one spouse wants to have sex more frequently than the other. Although it is unlikely that two partners would always have the same levels of sexual desire, every point of relationship difference has the potential to become a source of marital stress and misery. When there is a want disparity, it is simple to classify one member of the pair as a “high-desire partner” and the other as a “low-desire partner.”

Being the one who initiates intimacy again and again can stir feelings of loneliness and rejection. Being the sexual gatekeeper can stir feelings of resentment and shame.

We must proceed with caution, as with any label. Something that is distressing or puzzling can be normalized and validated by a label. A label, on the other hand, may make something sophisticated look deceptively easy. Declaring, “I am the high-desire spouse, and you are the low-desire partner,” puts a couple at danger of falling into shame and blame stories:

• You’d want more sex if you liked me.
• You’d quit expecting so much sex if you loved me.
• You are cold/repressed/depressed.
• You have a sex problem.
• I’m probably cold/repressed/depressed.
• I’m sure I’m a sex addict.

Shame and blame-laden stories can only achieve one of two things: make me right and you wrong, or make you right and me wrong. They are tedious dead ends! And these limited narratives generate relational cycles that tend to amplify: The more I tell you that you should desire more sex, the more you’ll distance yourself, and the more you distance yourself, the more I’ll insist. This is referred to as a “pursuer-withdrawer dynamic” by couples therapists.

We interrupt the loop by understanding that both partners require and deserve kindness. Being the one who initiates intimacy on a regular basis can lead to emotions of loneliness, rejection, and inadequacy. Being the sexual gatekeeper, denying or ignoring your partner’s advances, can induce emotions of bitterness and humiliation since it’s difficult to disappoint someone we care about.

We also interrupt the loop by realizing that all sexual difficulties are actually marital issues. To maintain the desire difference framed as a “we” issue, use the Golden Equation of Love (my things + your stuff = our stuff). Stand shoulder to shoulder, gazing at the problem together. “What are we going to do to cultivate sexual closeness in this relationship?” ask yourselves and each other.

Sexual intimacy is a we-thing and a me-thing all at the same time. Sexual connection powerfully affects our interior worlds—our ancient tales, traumas, longings, and desires. With that level of complication, it’s not surprising that most couples face some sort of sexual issue. The transformation from a shame-laden or blame-laden tale to a story of compassion for yourself and your spouse opens up new avenues for dealing with the situation.

Here are a few questions to consider if you and your partner are having this problem:

• What are some of our most memorable sexual encounters
• What variables contributed to our enjoyment? How can we reintroduce such characteristics into our relationship?
• What prevents us from making time for sex?
• How may setting up a sex date assist us in navigating our desire discrepancy?
• What I like best about our sex life is….
• What my spouse appreciates the most about our sex life is…
• What bothers me the most about our sex life is…
• What my partner finds the most difficult about our sex life is…
• What gets me in the mood?
• What factors influence my partner’s mood?
• What is obstructing my sexual desire?
• What is obstructing my partner’s sexual desire?
• What I wish my spouse knew about my sexual orientation is….
• What I wish I knew more about my partner’s sexuality